I’m going to be honest, here. Honest, and probably a little bit vulnerable. 

I love my job — the families in my church, the staff, the students and kids, and their families. But, I’ve felt stuck, unmotivated, and just a tad overwhelmed. I’ve felt as though I couldn’t give 100% to anyone, and that everyone was getting just enough of me to be OK. I’m not OK with just being OK, but haven’t felt like I can take them where we need to go. I haven’t given my best, and only I (and honestly, maybe a few close friends) know that. 

This morning I was praying before Sunday school. I didn’t have to teach, but I prayed for our students, children, and their teachers. Well, I tried to pray for them, any way. I kept coming back to me. I try to not ever pray for myself, even though I know I should, but I really wanted this moment to be about my kids. . .it didn’t work. I said that I was just blah. Worn out. Frustrated. Tired. Unmotivated. Useless. . .or any other negative word you can think of. And then, I was mad at myself for making that time about ME when it should have been about everyone else BUT me. 

. . .

I’m a wordy person. I love a good hug, but I’m a sucker for a genuine word of encouragement. Today, at lunch, a woman whom I barely know told me how she can tell that I love what I do, and that I’m “made for it”, and that I’m “talented” (not so sure about that last one, but, I said “thank you” nonetheless). That was a nice, unexpected little moment. Then later tonight, two more people said something very similar. 

I know this sounds like I want to hear what a great job I do. But I don’t. I don’t want to hear about what a great job I do, because it isn’t about how great I am. I am fallen. I’m broken. I’m messy, rowdy, and scattered. If anything good or great ever comes out of me, then I can assure you it was not because of ME.

I only know 3 things.  I’m a sinner who has been redeemed. I love Jesus. And I love my students and kids. Everything else is because God has chosen to use me, for whatever reason. 

These people’s words were like coming up for air. At a time when it felt like everything I was doing was wrong, they reminded me that God chooses me. The God of the Universe, the Creator of all things, the infinite and omnipotent God, chooses me to show Jesus to some teenagers and kids each week. It was almost like a hand squeeze. You know what I mean? When someone who cares about you reaches over, grabs your hand, and just squeezes it to let you know that you’re not alone. It’s not a full blown hug, and no one else may even know it’s happening, but you know. 

I love that God pursues me consistently.

I love that he uses people to squeeze my hand.