. . . not that she would listen. . .

October, 2004 (ok, so you’re 17, for those playing at home)
You’re going to audition for a spot in the Southeast Texas Youth Orchestra (because Mr. Stone told you to) with a busted lip (occupational hazard). It will hurt and it will bleed. . .a lot. Just keep playing. You’ll make 1st chair, which will give you the boost you need to practice like a fiend for all region. You’ll do well there, too.

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD. Do NOT let your mother schedule a wisdom teeth extraction 2 weeks before All-State auditions. I have no idea what would’ve happened if you hadn’t lost those 2 weeks of practice time, but I know what happened because you did and that nagging “what if?” will follow you for a long time. Like. 11 years. maybe. . . so far.

Keeping in that same vein, don’t cross your feet during your solo at Solo & Ensemble. Stone won’t kill you, but you’ll wish he had, and it’ll cost you a rating. Respect your craft and yourself.

Backing up a bit — that conductor you ADORED at All-Region? Tell him, “thank you!” As a matter of fact, say “thank you” as often as you can. Especially to those who put up with your crap and STILL think you could, somehow, morph into a functioning member of society.

(Aside: my journal has a quote from George Bernard Shaw that is apropos: “Life isn’t about finding your self. Life is about creating yourself”. This is true. Don’t forget it.)

You are not weird.
You approach life differently than most people around you, but this is not bad or wrong. One day, you’ll find people who actually understand you and you’ll wonder how you ever got through life without them. Until then, stay “weird”.

Your path is not a straight one. It will change as you grow more into the person you’re becoming. This is OK. When you get to a bend or curve, don’t rail against it. Allow yourself to lean into it. There is no need to complicate your life by cluttering your heart with unnecessary worry.

There is no “wrong” path (well. Like, becoming a serial killer or bank robber maybe). Don’t let the fear of choosing the wrong way keep you from making a choice at all.
This life is YOURS.
You’re the only one who has to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

Your 20s ARE.WEIRD. You will feel happy, sad, content, restless, scared, hopeful, bored, overwhelmed, peace, heartache, struggle, frustration, and a whole host of other things all at once (sometimes). It’s fine. . .sorta. I mean, it ends up fine. You can do things to make it fine sooner, but as per usual, you’ll wait until the 11th hour.

But.

You can’t rush art. And you can’t rush who you’re becoming.
None of your experiences are wasted. None of them. It won’t feel like it. You’ll wonder and ask “why?!” a lot. Sometimes. . . MOST of the time. . .you won’t get an answer right away, if at all. Just. DO.NOT.GIVE.UP.

Your value and your worth come from so much more than other people. There will be times when this appears untrue. Please know that things are not always what they seem. I repeat: Your value and your worth come from so much more than other people.

Dr. Sanders was right — you can’t always get away with being cute.
Do your best, whatever that looks like.
Ask for help when you need it.
Accept help when it’s given.
Offer help when you can give it.
Choose your words wisely.
Try. Don’t say “no” for someone else.
But, most importantly: GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

You will make mistakes.
MAKE THEM. Learn from them. Learn how to apologize and keep moving forward.

Don’t take stuff so personally. It probably isn’t about you anyway. Learn whose voices matter. A lot of people will have an opinion. Few will earn the right for it to carry any weight. Only you have the ability to allow the right ones in. No one has guaranteed access. No one.

Most of all: Keep finding new ways to reinvent yourself. See something you don’t like? Make it better if you can. Even if the only thing you make better is yourself.

Peace be the journey.