On April 15, 2015, I chopped all my hair off. Not like Britney Spears 2007 off, but off. In one fell swoop (literally), my long, thick hair was gone. I had one side shaved really close, and one side hung down to my chin, and the back was stacked. It was a fun ‘do and it made the hot summer months not as hot (on my head, at least).
But, there was something deeper brewing just beneath the surface that I was unable (or unwilling) to see.

Almost a year later, I joke about the existential crisis that was my hair cut of 2015. . .but, it’s not a joke. . .not really.  2015 brought with it some of the hardest days I’ve yet to walk through in my 29 years. Days filled with overwhelming shame, confusion, anger, and hurt. Days where my life felt as though it could spin right off the Earth’s axis.
Thankfully, those days are mostly behind me and I am so grateful for the tribe of people who have stuck by me, or those who’ve joined the ranks in recent months.

I’m a part of a great faith community where I feel very welcome and at home. I have a good job that I enjoy as part of that faith community. And I know I did not make it through the dark days alone. But I would belie my own self if I didn’t say that some of those dark days linger. Though the vast majority of my days are filled with contentment, peace, renewal, and joy, there are still moments of 2015 that arise and nip at my heels like an annoying little puppy.

I’ve learned a great deal in the days since that epic hair cut. And I’m still learning and will continue to learn.
Your own happiness is worth fighting for . It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to not smile your way through the crap. It’s OK to put your head down and lean into the wind and just.keep.going. It’s OK to stop going and cry, as long as you get back up. It’s good to ask for help, professional and otherwise. There’s no shame in a struggle, ever, and no one has to understand it but you. (Though that’s where the help comes in handy)

Would I cut my hair off again, given the opportunity on April 15, 2015? Probably not.
Would I trade the lessons I learned after? Not at all. I’ve learned what love and friendship look like in their purest forms.

Today, March 15, 2016, I wish my hair was long and thick again but patiently waiting for it to grow reminds me to keep moving forward.
Peace be the journey.

Shalom.