I like to pretend that I am in complete control of my life. I know when and where to take my car for basic maintenance. I know how to troubleshoot issues when my internet goes out. I know to look both ways when  I cross the street. I know what time I need to leave my house every morning for work — and almost always leave on time. I know what time to go to bed so I’m not cranky the next day. I know to not watch scary movies. I know to turn off the oven when I’m finished, or to lock my doors at night.

These things I do really well. . .except the locking doors part. Sometimes I forget. . .

But, when it comes to matters of the heart, I struggle. I struggle to allow the Spirit to work and move in my life. I struggle with patience, gratitude, and trust. I struggle to forgive.

I try to hold my own against the One who created me. Who redeemed me. Who guides me (if I let Him). I struggle to rest in the knowledge that I am enough, no matter what. I struggle to rest in the goodness of my Father. I take my simple accomplishments before His throne of Grace and excitedly say, “LOOK! I did this! All by myself!” like a toddler who put her shoes on the wrong feet. Like the good Father He is, he smiles proudly and says, “Yes! You did it!”, but sometimes, like the good Father He is, he smiles and says, “Almost. Let me help.” And He reaches down and shows me to put the left shoe on the left foot and the right shoe on the right foot.

Like the good Father He is, his love for me guides his discipline of me. He is not shaken when my pride turns to anger and my anger to tears of heartbreak and frustration because “I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF”. He watches, patiently but sadly, as I do things my way. . .but, like a good Father, He’s ready to rush to my rescue the moment  I stop pretending and starting realizing that I’m just a child in need of her Father. A Father who loves me.

“. . . of course, he loves old ordinary me, even or especially at my most scared and petty and mean and obsessive. Loves me; chooses me.” (Anne Lamott, “Traveling Mercies”).

Peace be the journey.