I remember writing, at some point, that I’ve felt like a fraud. That I’ve been masquerading behind a façade and pretending to be something I wasn’t.

Most well intentioned advice or Christian counsel assumed it was a heart issue. “Just pray” … Even my prayers felt fake.  I was a fraud! I didn’t even want to pray anymore. What was wrong with me?! I tried harder, I prayed harder. I didn’t feel more peace, I felt more stress. More anxiety. More unsettledness. It’s just growing pains. Lean into it. Learn from it. Nothing was working right and the harder I prayed to be a certain way the worse it was.

…until…

The curtain finally fell and in front of me was a mirror reflecting back to me every good thing I was and ever could be. And it looks nothing like that which I was so desperately trying to pursue.

It’s like putting on a shoe that isn’t your size. Your foot isn’t the problem, the shoe isn’t the problem. The fit of the shoe is the problem.
It isn’t a heart issue.It isn’t a sin issue.
It isn’t an issue at all.
It’s just…me.
It has all fallen down. There is nothing to hide behind, but there is also nothing to chase.

I have been gifted an incredible and indescribable gift. It’s coming home for the very first time. It’s the sharp exhale of relief or contentment. It’s the warmth of the sun on your face and the cool breeze on your skin. It’s bare feet and soft grass. It’s the sound of waves breaking on the sand. It is peace.

There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness. This is neither. This is a season of becoming. — Shauna Niequist

Peace be the journey.