“Fully grieve your losses and also, let yourself feel the full weight of your joys.”

Morgan Harper Nichols

It comes in waves, ya know? The grief, then the joy, then the sadness again. I had only been in Florida for 6 months before life came to a sudden stop. Life has stopped and, yet, keeps grinding on, slowly but surely. Just as I was coming out of a season of grief, personally, the world entered a collective season of grief. This grief is compounded with the uncertainty of the future and more than a little fear and just a touch of anger. It’s difficult to fully grieve what’s been lost when there is still so much left, yet the grief is still there. 

I re-entered ministry with great trepidation, and in no way expected to have it upended and the rug pulled from my feet by a global pandemic. I mean, who does? And, honestly, when posed against the backdrop of what is happening in our country, it all seems very trite. And yet…it feels very real to me. 

Part of me wants to tie this up with a bow. To say that even in spite of the grief I have found beauty — physical beauty of my new home and the poetic beauty of a blossoming friendship forged in the crucible of doing life together in a pandemic. Those things are true, and they will always be true, and yet today…I just need to sit with the grief and let it be all that it needs to be in this moment, right now. 

I miss my framily in Dallas.
I miss game nights and frozen yogurt. 
I miss Alamo Drafthouse and quote-alongs. 
I miss the organ on Sunday mornings. 
I miss my hardwood floors of my apartment and my neighborhood in Lower Greenville.
I miss those ugly green seats at the Music Hall at Fair Park. 
I miss sharing an office space with a bunch of other people (weird!)
I miss super late nights in the sound booth working on supertitles for our next concert.

Today, I need to honor that grief. She needs to be fully heard and fully seen. She needs to stand in the middle of a field and scream until she’s hoarse or too tired to scream anymore. Today, I need to fully grieve the losses so that tomorrow I can feel the full weight of my joy.

“If the conversation that night felt like poetry then let it be poetry. If their laughter felt like music, then let it be music. Let what is beautiful be beautiful. Let it speak to you forever. Even if beautiful things only ever seem to live in your memory, for it is hard to fully notice what is beautiful in real time but when you look you will find it was real. And your soul still knows it. So hold on to it and trust there is still more to come. Let joy be joy. Let what was beautiful be beautiful, even if it seems fleeting. Trust you will find it again.”

Morgan Harper Nichols